"Ahhh!" Deep breath in and exhale out... that's me right now sitting in my bed, lights out and fan going. It's such a great noise, a fan running. It brings back such happy memories for me from my childhood. Some of the best days of my life have been rainy days spent inside at the kitchen table writing stories as my mom swept and mopped our little kitchen floor, or stirred away at a great big pot of elbow macaroni and spaghetti sauce, made from tomato sauce, little water, butter, garlic, salt and pepper. That's mine and my sibling's favorite little lunch when we're together. It's what memories are made of.
As the storm clouds are rolling in and the smell of rain fills the air I was compelled to run to my room for some quiet time reflecting on my family and at just how good great God has been to me. I am leaning on Him now for a big change to a big area of my life. It's scary, it's new, it's uncomfortable in a way, and very comforting in another way...but most of all it's going- if God allows it- to be an entirely enormous, super colossal, titanic, gargantuan, open up the barn doors kind of change!! Am I ready for it?? I think the real question is "am I prepared for it?".
God hasn't let me down. Not once. I don't think this is the year He's going to either. In fact, I should be embracing this change and asking God to do a mighty work through me for the people who will come in contact with me and for my family. Mostly, for my husband.
I have to admit, I "fear" not really fear, but am anxious about being away from my two boys. And about being away from my pajamas, home, and ability to rest- or sit in my room on the internet listening to rain and the drumming of a fan...my comfort zone.
I think we do that to ourselves and don't even realize it. We create these walls of comfort and when they have to come down and our life's book turns another page we cling to it screaming, "No! No! No!" And we look at all the negatives this change will bring on.
To give you an example, I took the liberty of writing down all the negatives that me getting a full time job would have one me and my kids.
They are as follows:
1. I have to leave them everyday 5, sometimes 6 days a week.
2. I don't get to stay home in my comfortable clothes and do my daily chores at my leisure.
3. I don't get to play with my boys at the park, take them on walks when it's not busy.
4. I'll be gone 55 hours a week. :(
5. I have to pack my lunch (leftovers all the time- gag)
6. I'll probably still have to make dinner most days, and who wants to do that after a long day?
7. In the winter I'll come home when it's dark.
8. I won't get to have another baby for a long time. :( (What else was I made for other than to make babies?! And let's face it, I'm good at it!)
9. I'll still have to be away from my husband all week.
10. I don't want to have the pressure of finances on my back.
11. What if it's too hard and I hate my job?
Then, I couldn't stop there. I had to come up with all the positives! They are:
1. My husband gets the MUCH, MUCH needed time of rest for his own weary soul.
2. My husband gets to partake of all the joys I have had the pleasure of living- raising our boys.
3. My husband's job is getting rid of our medical insurance and cutting 401K in half within 2 1/2 years, so if I get a job we'll have all of the things we need.
4. I get to take my turn in helping out with the finances.
5. I'll really feel like I'm being there for my family when they need me most.
6. I have someone to clean the house for me! ;)
7. He also does the laundry.
8. And the yard work. Jeff is the best "Mr. Mom" I could ever want!
9. When I come home from work Hubby is there, my boys are there, and we can spend time together.
10. We'll get our life back!!!! No more 12 hour days and 12 hour nights and schedule changes at the last minute!
With Jeff's horribly, crazy job, we have lost so much time together it's hard to even imagine for people not living this schedule. It's not easy going to a job you despise more than anything- for 12 hours- every single day with no breaks for weeks on end. The only chance for our happiness and togetherness again, is for me to work.
I think I'd be selfish not to do this for my family- no- I know I would be. They need me. My best friend in the whole world needs me. He's worked full time and then some for almost 20 years...I think I can take that yolk from him for a while...
So, I have prayed about it. God has opened doors for me that I never even knew we're there. We'll see if this is what He wants for me, for us, for our family!
