Great Expectations

 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord;

 in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, 

and will look up.

psalm 3:5

People expect things.  It's natural.  Husbands and wives expect their spouses to be faithful.  Some aren't.  People expect to be able to pay their bills.  Some lose their jobs.  Some people expect to live happily ever after.  But they become young widows(ers).

I expected to have a healthy baby boy.  I didn't.  

So much for great expectations... 

Some days are good.

Some days are OK.

Some days are bad.  

And the thing about the bad days is, I haven't been able to tell when it's coming.  Just somehow it hits me and I struggle to choke back the tears.  I hate that pain you get in your throat from fighting the tears so no one can tell your hurting. 

I've had people, out of their innocence, say to me, "He doesn't even look like he has Down syndrome! I don't care what they say, he doesn't have it! He looks perfectly fine!"  And they are sweet and mean no harm and only want to make me feel better.

Except it doesn't.

The only thing that could ever make me feel better is for God to say, "Ok Kelly! Test is over!  You passed.  He's normal now.  Good job!" 

And then I wake up and I go into his room and his rain coat is on the floor...and he's in his crib smiling and waiting for me to hold him tight...the little boy that always was...

But the reality is, it's never going to be over.  

Today I was trying to take Henry's 2 month pictures.  I had done a little photo shoot this morning and he was not happy for most of it.  When I had what I thought would be good enough I fed him and scrolled through facebook.  I was in a good mood.  And I decided to check out a friends pictures of her daughter at 2 months old.  She was propped in a bucket with her arm draped over the side...I had tried that with Henry but he could do it.  He couldn't hold his head up like she could.  :(  And my heart broke.  

It wasn't her fault.  She didn't make me sad.  The fact that I realized Henry is different, once again, made me sad.  Out.of.left.field.  Sadness.

Thankfully, Henry doesn't know there are expectations.  He's just a baby!

The other thing about expectations is that I CAN expect Henry to be happy, and learn, and run and play. I may not be able to expect this to be easy but I CAN expect that good will come of this and that God has a plan for all of this.  I CAN expect to have different experiences because of his Down syndrome- great experiences- that I would have never had the privilege of experiencing otherwise.  I'm looking forward to that when they come!

Trauma tends to break down your defenses...and you are left with a deeper dependence on God than you ever thought possible.  And that's when I have to realize and cling ever so tightly to the expectation that God has started a work in me and He will finish it.  He is growing me and strengthening me... and it hurts.  Remember those growing pains as a kid?  Boy do I ever!  Used to hurt me so badly I would cry and cry...and here I am again...growing in a different way.  Crying just the same...abba father...

 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or ,

 according to the power that worketh in us

ephesians 3:20

We may be traveling down a road we didn't ever plan on traveling.  The scenery is different.  It may take us to a different place.  But if we leave ourselves open to new expectations then that path can lead to adventure after adventure!  And it can be very, very cool indeed! 

The hardest part is knowing that I will never wake up to Henry being like Charlie and Wesley.... (give me a sec to cry...)

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It is sad... yes.  Feels a lot like hopeless, actually.  But I have to remember that when I am sad, God had intended this, that He wouldn't hurt me or Henry and that He has something really cool in store for us...

Yes the pain is there and oh my word!!!! Yes it comes out of left field sometimes...and I have to, wounded as I feel, put that reality, the grief, in its place and say "to God be the glory great things He has done..."

One of my favorite quotes comes from Joel..."let the weak say I am strong..."

I am strong in Him...