My Henry | My Heart | My Holland

         It's been a month, tomorrow will make it six weeks to be exact, since we have been in Holland. Well, not literally, but since we had our son Henry. I can't tell you that I am over the fact that he has Down syndrome but I can tell you that it doesn't hurt as badly as the day we found out. Oh, it still hurts, don't misunderstand. I don't know if I'll fully ever be over it but I think that "getting over it" isn't necessarily the point. It's accepting him the way he is. It's understanding the fact that just because he's different doesn't mean he's bad.
             In the short time we've had Henry he has taught me a thing or two. He's taught me that my expectations are different than assumptions. I expected Henry to be distant and not interact with me, but I was merely assuming that he wouldn't be like any other baby. I was wrong. He looks more deeply into my eyes when I talk and read to him than either of my other boys. He has studied my face and memorized my voice. He knows when I'm lying next to him and his breathing speeds up and he kicks his legs as he's excited Mommy's there and then his breathing slows as he relaxes and turns his face toward mine. He's taught me not to assume he's incapable of relationships.
         He's taught me perseverance, when he couldn't nurse in the beginning. I wanted to throw in the towel, but I didn't. He's nursing much much better with a lot more ease now. He's taught me that when you've been trying for four and five weeks to accomplish something- don't give up- because you could be one week away from success! I wonder if he'll be that determined to accomplish his goals? I bet he will!
         Henry is the sweetest, easiest baby to take care of. He only cries when he's really really hungry or has a dirty diaper. That's it! I'm very blessed with that as my second son was completely the opposite! (But he's very fun now!)
         So we're in Holland looking around. We've kind of caught our breath and now we can begin learning the language and start looking for all the neat things that are exclusive to Holland alone...the windmills...the tulips...the Rembrandts!! 

God Didn't Stop...

God is truly amazing to me.
The verse in the Bible that tells us the God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts...has been made so real to me this year.

When God made the earth, He didn't stop with the oceans and mountains and valleys... He added animals and humans... He added life.

When God created life He didn't stop there.  He created marriages...families... and with that He created relationships.  When God created these families He also created friendships.  Through Jesus, He taught the value in family and friends and that we should bare each others burdens and  love one another as we love ourselves.  Through merely creating people, which is miraculous and ingenious in itself,  He didn't stop there.  He went on further and developed personal, intimate attachments between those people. 

God created the early morning dew and the summer rain for the dry, parched ground.  He created the fruits of the trees and plants for our food.  When He created the oceans and the sunsets and the eagles that fly around the mountain tops, He didn't stop there.  He created You and I...to enjoy its beauty.

When we separated ourselves far from Him, He created a bridge.  He sent His Son Jesus to pay for our sin.  A price Jesus didn't have to pay, but He did so willingly.  He gave up His life, shed His blood, so that we could have the opportunity to be reunited with God, and to one day live in heaven with Him.

God could have stopped at letting us live our life, but He didn't.  He gave us memory.  He gave us the ability to keep the precious moments we've lived by allowing us to have a file in our minds to look back on.  When those friends and family members are no longer with us, the memories still are... they linger...the past is not forgotten...

God could have stopped in many many areas of the world.  But it's amazing to me that He kept blessing.  When man didn't deserve a single blessing, He gave one anyway.  He gave all.

The Saturday, Sunday Slow Down!

Saturday was a great day! We started off drinking coffee outside while the sun came up reading our Bibles and the Sunday School lesson for today. When Charlie woke up at 8am, we packed him up and went for a 2 hours bike ride! Destinations included the Dutch Bakery where we parked on a bench and had breakfast! Then off to see the new Elementary school, Mt Healthy South Elem. Then we came back home and were in need of a nap! After a few sweet, fresh peaches of course, to balance out the donuts! :) The rest of the day consisted off vegging out and watching a couple movies we have been wanting to see but never had the time. It was a day of total rest, one like we have not had in a very long time! Charlie has just gotten over 6 days of diarrhea that felt like 12 and now is battling allergies, I think. So, it was good to keep him home. But we did travel to Max and Erma's for a bite and then to Sam's for more diapers and wipes. The diarrhea-fest wiped us out of them completely.

So, Sunday. Church. Eat. Sleep. NASCAR. Orchestra practice for Jeff. Church. Sleep. :) Eventful yet rejuvenating at the same time!

4 Months and Famous?

An Our365 email  popped up this morning.  Henry is 19 weeks old... 4 months 1 week and 5 days...
Though it feels like he's been a part of our family forever.

This weeks Our365 email was rather....stupid.  It was about if Henry has what it takes to be famous or not.
First off, it only made me think right away of his limitations...but then I remembered Teddy Kremer and I realized that Henry will have all kinds of opportunities in life...maybe different ones than Charlie and Wesley, but still his very own, neat opportunities.  God must have some purpose for Henry, otherwise He would have made him with 46 chromosomes like the rest of us in this family.  But secondly, what is so great about being famous that I should see if my 4 month old has what it takes to deliver???  Um, doesn't the Bible say not to strive for fame?

Sure, I pray about the business opportunities we have.  I pray for prosperity, absolutely.  I pray for wisdom and for direction and I pray for God to show us those that need our help.  Missionaries, those who just need that stepping stone to get to a better spot in life, and those that have never been helped before...but are praying God sends someone to rescue them.

I want to be a wife, woman, and mother that hears her Lord's voice and obeys.

I want nothing more for God to say, "I'll give this task to Kelly; for I know she will obey..."

I want God to smile at me.  I want Him to know how much I love Him...and how much I want to raise Heroes for Him and not boys that will do anything for a Hollywood shout out.

I want sons that girls' moms say "Pray about that boy Suzie...he sings and plays instruments for the Lord, he always attends church, he helps out when needed, he has a servants heart, he reads his bible...and he has really godly parents!"

My sons don't need fame when they have Jesus.  If Jesus is pleased with them, then all is right in the world.  He will bless them in ways Hollywood could never fathom.  With real love.  Real hope.  Real joy.  Real riches...They may have their own little family who loves them, maybe children one day, and for Henry, well, God's got something really cool planned for him! He'll be one fantastic uncle! My future grandchildren have no idea how much they're going to love Uncle Hanky-Pank!!

I may just print this out and stick it in my Joy Journal for when it comes to pass...so I can say to Henry, "See!!! Mommy knew it would happen for you! Mommy knew you were born for something very neat and that only you could do!"

It's no secret that I love my sons.

Charlie is Mr. Personailty.  fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, and super smart!  He loves saying hi to people, asking what their first and middle names are and needs to know what everyone is doing. He loves anything silly and funny and he loves cooking and making crafts.  He remembers everything you say and every car someone drives.  He was the absolute perfect first-baby.  He's got beautiful eyes and lips and hair.  He's got such an outgoing personality that draws people to him.  He can get in trouble too...he says the darnedest things sometimes...he is all boy!

Wesley is everything sweet, adorable, and tender heart-ed.  He's easily hurt...and easily loved.  He used to be my Master of Disaster but now he is more like my Adventurous Blessing. He still gets into stuff...mostly he gets into trouble, but he is the first one to hug me, the first one to kiss me, the first to crawl into my lap and cuddle.  His smile will make your heart gush...his puffy pink lips are so cute I just could kiss them off his face.  His eyes can have the "puppy dog" effect and make you give him anything he wants. I love his fluffy hair that bounces when he runs and his cowlick in front that makes his hair stick up and to the left. :) He's all around cuteness with a kick.  I see him rebuilding engines with Daddy for that fast car.

Henry is already loved by everyone.  He has a smile and laugh that melts hearts.  He's simply adorable!  I couldn't have asked for a better baby.  Sometimes we see the yellow raincoat...sometimes we don't...But we always see Henry!

I don't want fame for my boys...but I do want them to leave a legacy behind for God...
Who knows what the future holds...

Joy in the Meantime...

If you want a serious reality check of the moral compass of the world, just turn on any TV channel and watch what is aired day in and day out; or click on news websites and you'll find not only what's taking place here on our soil, but across the globe as well.  Good things, bad things, things we don't even want to know about!

Our moral intellect and faith are faced daily with problems that we can't find solutions to. 

If you look back on history, you can see time and time again people doing what is right in their own eyes and not following after the things of God.  And how He consistently calls them back to repentance and obedience.  How long-suffering He is.  How patient He is.  How merciful.

It's very hard for me to observe things this way.  My human flesh and finite mind want to say, "Why, Lord?  Why!?  Why do You allow things to go on that are this evil?  Why do You not stop them when You have the power to do so?"  Do you ever find yourself asking God these questions?  Asking Him why is He so inactive in the  sufferings of the innocent and why He seems to not care about horrible acts of violence and slow, terminal death of which He can heal but sometimes chooses not to?  But God is God and I am not, and He has clearly stated that our ways are not His ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts...We don't get to understand some things, but it doesn't mean that He loves us any less or that He doesn't care about the things that take place every day.

I read a while ago in the book, "I Became A Christian and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" the analogy the author wrote about his infant son.  His tiny baby boy had to undergo a spinal tap.  The doctors told the father that this would be painful but after the procedure they would hand the baby to him for comforting.  It was a necessary procedure, but neither the father nor the baby wanted it to happen. No one ever wants pain.

After the procedure they handed the baby over just like they had promised and the author writes that his little baby boy looked up at him crying and looking as if he were saying, "Why Daddy?  Why did you put me through this?  Why did this have to happen to me?  Why was it so painful?"  And the Dad could have said, "Well son it's a spinal tap and the doctors suspect meningitis and it is very bad if you have it and we have to know so we can treat it so you'll be better"....and on and on with medical terms and reasoning.  But would the infant have understood any of that?  Would that baby have realized that it was for his good?  No...

So all the father did was snuggle him up under his chin and whisper in a still small voice, "It's OK Son...it's OK.  I'm here.  I love you.  I love you and it will be alright..."

Much like our God does for us when we are going through pain and trials and things we don't understand.  Sometimes we don't understand how in the world a pain or "procedure" could ever be good for us.  But that's when we need to trust Him.  When we can't see the purpose in something, we have to put our faith in the One that does.  And realize that we are not alone, He is there, holding us close, loving us and with us through all the pain...

I love the very first few statements of the prophet Habakkuk:
 "O Lord, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! Even cry out unto thee of violence and thou wilt not save!  Why dost thou show me iniguity, and cause me to behold grievance?  For spoiling and violence are before me: and there are that raise up strife and contention.  Therefore the law is slacked, and the judgement doth never go forth: for the wicked doth compass about the righteous; therefore wrong judgement proceedth."

I could hug Habakkuk right now...I could tell him I feel his anguish and broken heart.  I wonder what Habakkuk saw the day he penned these words...I could apply it to seeing the woman abuse the 3 week old baby..."Why do you show me iniquity and grievance and you won't save the baby????"  But Habakkuk actually received answers.  Habakkuk was a man with honest doubts and wasn't afraid to ask God for help in understanding injustices that he saw. 

Chapter 3 verses 17-19 are probably he sweetest verses, the most beautiful hymn in the Bible. They read:
"Although the fig tree shall not blossom
Neither shall fruit be in the vines;
the labour of the olive shall fail,
and the fields shall yeild no meat;
the flock shall be cut off from the fold,
and there shall be no herd in the stalls:
YET I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord  God is my strength,
and He will make my feet like the hinds' feet
and he will make me to walk upon mine hingh places
To the chief singer on my stringed instruments..."

Our joy must lay in our confidence in God.  A God that hears and a God that rescues.  True faith means loving and serving God regardless of our circumstances.  Regardless if we understand "why".  For when we trust in Him, that's when we receive unspeakable joy.  We can trust in the fact that we will have victory over triumph and joy and peace in the meantime...

We will Trust Him, Come What May.

And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.
Deuteronomy 31:8

He walks into each appointment before me.  When I'm crying He dries my tears.  When I'm sad He reminds me I am not alone.  He fails me never.  I remind myself...there is nothing to fear...be not dismayed.  I know the Great Physician and He can heal Henry if He wants to.  I'm praying we do not have to have surgery at all...but if He needs me to be there...to cheer someone else up worse off than us, then I will.  I can't have a long face, or be uncontrollably sobbing, or asking why, or acting like the sky is falling.  Instead, I must be composed, knowing my God is in control, and He can work this for good.  I have to first look for ways to bring glory to Him...and I will not be hiding in the shadows singing woe is me, but I will be drawing someone else from those hopeless shadows and leading them to the rock that is higher than they...

*Life with Purpose
*Faith with Focus
*Willing to Grow (or to be Pruned...)

Growing and Pruning both offer pain.  You can't get by without it.  You can't grow and you can't be cut back to grow better, without the pain.

But we weren't called to live easy, pain-free, blissfully ignorant lives, were we?  God said, "Be strong of a good courage" for a reason.  He knew we were going to need that advice.  He knew there would be troubles.  Heartaches.  Disappointments.  But He also knew that if we put our energy and focus on HIM and not the situation, then we could not be moved.  We couldn't be shaken.  The devil couldn't win. 

Keith said it best on Sunday night.  When the branch is cut back it becomes stronger because it pulls tighter to the vine.  When we're facing struggles, we need to see it as growth and when we're facing trials and heartaches we need to see that as pruning...you can either wallow around in self pity or you can choose to cling tighter to the True Vine.  The choice is yours.  But do those who like to wallow seem happy to you?  No. 

It's the ones that smile through the rain that is falling in sheets around them that are joyful, pleasant to be around, never knowing the storm that encompasses them.  Take heed to their countenance.  I pray I can bless someone through this storm. 

Yet I also pray that my little boy is miraculously healed.  

We shall be still and know that he is God.  And if in waiting,  He chooses to heal Henry we will praise Him for it!!!  And if He chooses to let us go through this, then we will prove that we will trust Him, come what may.

Greater Vision
God Wants to Hear You Sing
Their chains were fastened tight
Down at the jail that night
Still Paul and Silas would not be dismayed
They said, "It's time to lift our voice,
Sing praises to the Lord
Let's prove that we will trust Him, come what may."

God wants to hear you sing
When the waves are crashing round you
When the fiery darts surround you
When despair is all you see
God wants to hear your voice
When the wisest man has spoken
And says your circumstance is as hopeless as can be
That's when God wants to hear you sing

He loves to hear our praise
On our cheerful days
When the pleasant times out weigh the bad, by far
When suffering comes along
And we still sing Him song
That is when we bless the Father's heart

God wants to hear you sing
When the waves are crashing round you
When the fiery darts surround you
When despair is all you see
God wants to hear your voice
When the wisest man has spoken
And says you circumstance is as hopeless as can be
That's when God wants to hear you sing

God wants to hear you sing

Rare Down Syndrome and Rose Colored Glasses...

"I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."

Psalm 34:4

Yesterday on my way to drop the boys off at my friend Christie's to be babysat while Jeff, Henry and I could go to Children's again for Genetics counseling, I got a call from Melissa who is a dietician that we saw last month about Henry's weight and possible aspirating.  Henry had slept all but maybe 4 hours yesterday and hadn't eaten a ton either.  She told me that he had only gained 18 grams a day last month, not the normal 20-30.  But this was ok for now seeing that he will have to fight his weight for the rest of his life;  however if it is significantly less next month we will have to supplement with formula.  I do my best to feed my little guy, but how do you make a baby suck when he doesn't want to eat?  

Anyway, this conversation put me into sad mode...preparing for more tests next week at Children's at the ENT wing and wondering what they will find.  If they find nothing then we prepare for surgery.  Which makes my heart skip a beat at the thought... I know it's coming.  I will most likely run to the arms of my friends Phil and Jamie the night before, crying and asking them to pray for Henry and for me... I've already had nightmares of the doctor telling me he didn't make it....I shake the idea from my mind...that's not going to happen.  God has a purpose for Henry...

So, on our way to see Dr. Hopkin, with ideas in our minds and hearts about Henry and his breathing, being so exhausted from the labor of breathing, maybe that's why he is sleeping so much...but we don't have any answers yet or any way to get them until next week, so we have to put it out of our minds.  I tried holding back tears at Christie's because I couldn't figure out why I wanted to cry...and I tried holding back tears once we signed in and sat in the waiting room.  Jeff tried to get my mind off it by asking me about The Little Mermaid playing on the screen.  We had heard a family saying "Where did he go?" to the lady checking us in and she replied "downstairs to the first floor."  The couple frantically replied,"Oh my gosh!! By himself?!!!"  So while in the waiting room, a code Adam went off with a complete description of the 26 y/o man in jeans, a red shirt, a gold hat and a beard..." I almost cried just because of that.  Luckily, Children's is awesome and always on the ball, and found him in a few minutes. Still, more uneasiness.

It was our turn to go back.  Henry got weighed, and instead of weighing 10lbs 1oz like he was on Tuesday he weighed only 9lbs and some-oz.  They had weighed him with his diaper on then, but still...how do you lose almost a pound? It was a fresh diaper...I'm confused. But then Henry made us all laugh, he began peeing.  And peeing.  And peeing! The nurse laughed,"This is a record, Henry!!!" Pee flooded the scale and the table.  We cleaned him and dressed him and in the process of measuring his head circumference, the nurse put her arm in the pee...which made us all laugh at her. Tears, forgotten.

Next we met with Stephanie, who is excellent.  She is the genetics counselor who went over family history on both our sides.  It was funny, when she asked Jeff for ethnicity, he said "Kentucky".  Her and I shared a wink while Jeff went on talking about Germany and being Irish... tears that were once coming up from seeing her binder covered with chromosomes were fading as I realized and accepted this new life once again...embraced the hysterical and determined that at least we got to meet new and interesting people!

Stephanie explains that 95% of Down syndrome is the three chromosomes for 21 but sometimes one of those chromosomes can translocate to 14, or 13 or where ever.  Which I knew, because I read that in my book from the library . But that kind is rare, only 3% of Down syndrome is that kind.  And then there's Mosaic Down syndrome, which is only 1%, where only half of the chromosomes have 47 and the other half have 45.  Still Down syndrome, just different math.  We most likely would fall into the 95% category so she went to get the results from the hospital.  I didn't know they had them!  How cool!

She was gone for awhile then she came back with this.

She said, "Well, it was different than I thought.  He has translocation Down syndrome, but his translocated to the other 21 chromosome, which is even more rare.  I've never seen that..."  Dr. Hopkin had come in at this point and said that he had seen it before because he was an old man and had seen lots of things! 

Had Henry been our first child, Jeff and I would have had to have been tested.  Because if either Jeff or myself had been born with our mom's and dad's chromosomes stuck together in us, we would have passed that chromosome down to our children.  Which means that, say I had it, then my stuck chromosome would have paired with Jeff's chromosome like normal, but because there would be triple the information, every single one of our kids would have Down syndrome.  But since he's our third, we know that Charlie and Wesley are normal and so it's not from one of us, it's just a unique thing to Henry.

The event of the Robertsonian chromosome fusing together is called de novo, meaning it is not inherited and it is extremely unlikely to ever happen again....

Henry is a rare breed!

He is the little boy I never knew I wanted...the baby I didn't know I needed!

Our chances of having another child with Down syndrome is 1/100.  But that's up to God, not chance.

This is a folder they gave us yesterday.  Expecting an extraordinary life...I am hopeful today.  Yesterday's fears have since passed away and today is a new day.  Today is a day that I can choose to see Henry's Down syndrome as a beautiful, rare, precious gift that was specially designed for and given to me! 

Dr. Hopkin, who is fun-loving and smiley and funny and positive said, "You will have good days and bad days.  There will be days when Henry can't do something he's trying and trying so hard to do...and you will realize the loss all over again....and there will be days where you want to tell everyone you meet about the amazing thing he just did!  Embrace those days."

I wrote out a list of expectations:
Expect triumph over trial.
Expect victory over victim.
Expect love over loss.
Expect dream over doubt.
Expect fun over fear.
Expect accomplished over accepted.
Expect magnificent over mediocre.
Expect extraordinary over ordinary.
Expect Henry the Great!

This does not mean that we will grimace and groan when Henry doesn't meet our expectations.  We know that Down syndrome has it's place...but we also know that we need to put Down syndrome in it's place.

It took me till now to really understand the words "Down syndrome is a part of who he is, it's not who he is."  It doesn't define Henry. 

Today is a new day that I can view the best of all possible worlds...a day that I can see through happy, rose colored glasses...without any tears...

Just Try ME!

I've been thinking lately of somethings I'd like god to do for me.  For my future.  For my sons.  For my husband.  For our future.

I've been thinking a lot lately of giving of our tithe, talents and treasures.  And what God expects of me.  He didn't give me talents to never use them.  He wouldn't have given me the ability to store up treasures in Heaven if I would never have the opportunity to enjoy them.  And He wouldn't have asked me to tithe, to   put the money HE has given me back in HIS house if He didn't intend on giving me the means to do it!

If you aren't trusting God with your finances right now, then I'd say you picked the worst time economically to not hold hands with God.  There are so many promises of God...do you really want to miss out on them?

God has done so much for me in my lifetime of 29 years.  He has blessed me in ways I never thought to ask, He has answered very specific prayers, and He has given me the desires of my heart- desires that only He knew.  How could I not have the faith that He could do those things today?  This fall?  This year?

So I've got some specific prayers that I'm going to try God about...I'm going to ask Him for something that only He can give.  I'm going to believe His word and trust His promises.  And I'm going to give Him all the glory when He does it...

And another thing, I'm NOT going to let the devil tell me that I don't need to give anymore.  Because see, he doesn't tell me that I can't or that I don't have the money, he just tells me that they'll get the money from someone else, that it's not my job to do everything or pay for everything and that I don't need to...

But the truth is, I DO need to.  If I want God to bless me, to shovel and scoop and pour blessings down so much that I cannot contain them, then you better believe I need to fist be the one to trust Him with what He has given me...You see, it's all His anyway...none of it is mine.  How can I not trust that if He gave it to me once He can give it to me again?  And even more the second time?

There's lies out there to believe.
If you want to.
If you let Satan win.

There's blessings to be had out there!
It is better to give than to receive.
If you trust Him.

I can't trust in my bank.
I can't trust in my Etrade account.
I can't trust in my own strength and knowledge.
But I can trust in my God and in His promises.

You know the ones.  The promises that say "if your child asks of you bread would you give him a stone?" or "if he asks a fish would you give him a serpent? If you being carnal know how to give good gifts then how much greater can God give you gifts?" (paraphrased from Luke 11:11, 13)

Or what about "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think. Ephesians 3:20"  

Back to the verse I first quotes, "Prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. Malachi 3:10" 

Go ahead. Try Him. This is the only place in the bible where God gives us this charge.
He created the universes.  I'm pretty sure He can handle it.

Tithe.  Talents.  Treasures.

So when you finally, actually, sacrificially give to someone...a missionary, a youth group, a church in need, a program at church, an elderly person/widow...look out for our big God to give back... and He won't be found lacking.

He will be debtor to NO ONE.

Great Expectations

 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord;

 in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, 

and will look up.

psalm 3:5

People expect things.  It's natural.  Husbands and wives expect their spouses to be faithful.  Some aren't.  People expect to be able to pay their bills.  Some lose their jobs.  Some people expect to live happily ever after.  But they become young widows(ers).

I expected to have a healthy baby boy.  I didn't.  

So much for great expectations... 

Some days are good.

Some days are OK.

Some days are bad.  

And the thing about the bad days is, I haven't been able to tell when it's coming.  Just somehow it hits me and I struggle to choke back the tears.  I hate that pain you get in your throat from fighting the tears so no one can tell your hurting. 

I've had people, out of their innocence, say to me, "He doesn't even look like he has Down syndrome! I don't care what they say, he doesn't have it! He looks perfectly fine!"  And they are sweet and mean no harm and only want to make me feel better.

Except it doesn't.

The only thing that could ever make me feel better is for God to say, "Ok Kelly! Test is over!  You passed.  He's normal now.  Good job!" 

And then I wake up and I go into his room and his rain coat is on the floor...and he's in his crib smiling and waiting for me to hold him tight...the little boy that always was...

But the reality is, it's never going to be over.  

Today I was trying to take Henry's 2 month pictures.  I had done a little photo shoot this morning and he was not happy for most of it.  When I had what I thought would be good enough I fed him and scrolled through facebook.  I was in a good mood.  And I decided to check out a friends pictures of her daughter at 2 months old.  She was propped in a bucket with her arm draped over the side...I had tried that with Henry but he could do it.  He couldn't hold his head up like she could.  :(  And my heart broke.  

It wasn't her fault.  She didn't make me sad.  The fact that I realized Henry is different, once again, made me sad.  Out.of.left.field.  Sadness.

Thankfully, Henry doesn't know there are expectations.  He's just a baby!

The other thing about expectations is that I CAN expect Henry to be happy, and learn, and run and play. I may not be able to expect this to be easy but I CAN expect that good will come of this and that God has a plan for all of this.  I CAN expect to have different experiences because of his Down syndrome- great experiences- that I would have never had the privilege of experiencing otherwise.  I'm looking forward to that when they come!

Trauma tends to break down your defenses...and you are left with a deeper dependence on God than you ever thought possible.  And that's when I have to realize and cling ever so tightly to the expectation that God has started a work in me and He will finish it.  He is growing me and strengthening me... and it hurts.  Remember those growing pains as a kid?  Boy do I ever!  Used to hurt me so badly I would cry and cry...and here I am again...growing in a different way.  Crying just the same...abba father...

 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or ,

 according to the power that worketh in us

ephesians 3:20

We may be traveling down a road we didn't ever plan on traveling.  The scenery is different.  It may take us to a different place.  But if we leave ourselves open to new expectations then that path can lead to adventure after adventure!  And it can be very, very cool indeed! 

The hardest part is knowing that I will never wake up to Henry being like Charlie and Wesley.... (give me a sec to cry...)

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*

It is sad... yes.  Feels a lot like hopeless, actually.  But I have to remember that when I am sad, God had intended this, that He wouldn't hurt me or Henry and that He has something really cool in store for us...

Yes the pain is there and oh my word!!!! Yes it comes out of left field sometimes...and I have to, wounded as I feel, put that reality, the grief, in its place and say "to God be the glory great things He has done..."

One of my favorite quotes comes from Joel..."let the weak say I am strong..."

I am strong in Him... 

First Round of Therapy for Henry...or Me?

So I didn't think about it at all until I talked to Jeff last night.
Here's a part of the conversation, the last bit between me and the developmental specialist yesterday:

Maggie: So when you lay in bed at night, what do you think about?
Me: Oh I look at Jeff and say, "seeyoutomorrow" and roll over and pass out. I'm to exhausted to think anymore!

Maggie: And if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
Me: Um, maybe to live in a different house in a different place.
Stevie (PT): You don't like your house? It's cute!
Me: I like my house, but I'd rather live in a ranch, I climb lots of stairs on a daily basis, and I'd like to have a big yard for the boys.

In telling this to Jeff he said, "They were probably looking for answers like,'I lay in bed and think about what it would be like if Henry didn't have Down syndrome' or 'I would change the fact that Henry didn't have Down syndrome or a heart defect' or something along those lines."

I stood there and said, "I didn't even think of that. Why didn't I think of that? Am I too selfish that I'd think more about a house and a yard than to give my son a normal life?"

Jeff said, "No, it's probably more that you understand that this is the way God made him and you're content with it. So content that it isn't even a problem to you. Their questions were psychological to see how you, Mommy, were dealing with Henry's issues. So they got to see that you're completely OK with it."

He must be right. I really don't mind his having Down syndrome. I wonder how Charlie and Wesley will deal with having a special needs brother when they're teens. I hope that they will not be embarrassed by him, and I don't think they will. I hope they never see him as defective, but special. He is uniquely designed.

All I know is, Henry is just like any other baby right now. Maybe it hasn't even hit me yet that he has it. Maybe I'm Ok because I don't know anything different yet, other than what it's like to spend hours at Children's hearing all the things that are wrong with my perfectly looking little baby. I don't know. Time will tell, I guess.

I guess I'm just nervous that I'm taking this so well because it hasn't fully hit me. I guess when all the other babies in the church nursery are sitting up and crawling and babbling and standing and cruising and playing, then I will really realize that I'm in Holland...and then I might get sad. OR- I might just really trust that God has a purpose for Him and I'll always be OK with my new life.  

I'm hopeful for the latter. If I cannot be content wherewith I am, then I am not wholly leaning on my Lord and He is not all that I need.

And He IS all I need.
Although, sometimes, I selfishly say inside,"Lord....you know I also need my babies...please keep them healthy and protect them..."

Just One Moore Day...just give me one more day...

Pain Like No Other...

Last night Jeff and I sat on the couch watching the 700 Club like usual. Catching up on religious news and other interesting facts you don't hear on secular news stations. But what we heard this time was so...abominable, so  horrifying, so disgusting...I ran out of the room speechless and despondent, shocked, and I felt heartbreak like I have never known...

What was so bad, you are asking. Well, this is the part where the disclaimer comes in...this is very gruesome what I am about to tell you. This is terrible, morbid and so very very heartbreaking. So turn away now if you don't want to hear it.

There were three young ladies talking about what they saw the doctor do at the abortion clinic they worked at in Houston, TX. They thought it was normal to kill a baby that was alive and completely out of the womb. They just thought that was his job. 

But what he did was not part of his job. One girl recounted that he would stick a sharp instrument in the baby's soft spot, or stab it in the chest and you could still watch it's belly rise and fall as it was taking it's final breaths...I'm getting chills and sick to my stomach just rehearsing this to you...

But that isn't the worst part. That isn't the part that made me leave the room.

The second girl said she saw him taking a 20something week baby out by it's feet. He stuck the claws in and squeezed so hard she saw the baby's toes separate in pain...

I left the room, Jeff put the boys to bed while I paced the living room holding Henry. I put Henry in his cradle and came down stairs. Jeff held me and when he did I lost it. I sobbed like it was my own child.

I cried so hard. It was like I saw the evil that I had been sheltered from in such plain view and the sight of it was so horrifying and scary that my soul trembled and longed for the Comforter to cradle me. I couldn't see my face but I could tell by the way my body was so wrenching from this news that it was the saddest face my face has ever made. My throat hurt from not being able to cry enough tears, my heart was more than broken into millions of pieces, my stomach turned and contracted and tightened and I just wanted to throw up, nausea doesn't come close. 

I wanted to tell Jeff, "Shake me by the shoulders, slap me, whatever you have to to make me believe this isn't MURDER! Do something to make me see it through different eyes so I don't have to feel this pain...So my heart can quit aching, so my bowels can stop feeling mutilated, so the pain of realizing we live in THIS kind of world can go away...make it stop, Jeff..."

Jeff just held me while my body forced violently to stop the agony it felt...

Why.

Why on earth would anyone do this?

How could someone be so evil?

Sin. Because sin is evil.

Truth is, Jesus even died for that abortion doctor. For all abortion doctors. For every murderer. For every Hitler. For every Manson. For every radical Muslim. For me. For you. For "good" people. For those murdered babies.

If they killed Jesus, who only healed and never ever hurt...then why wouldn't they kill an innocent baby?

I laid in bed for hours last night begging God to make it stop hurting. I heard a low airplane fly over and imagined it was a giant bomb that would kill us all so we could go to Heaven. That's how badly I wanted to escape this place. I then realized that we weren't going to Heaven that night and politely asked for sleep instead. My Comforter showed up and within minutes I was pain free.

When Jeff and I talked last night he made me understand this a little better.  It by no means took the pain of this new realization I had away, but it did give me something else to think about.

I told him  I wanted to put this on Facebook so everyone could read it and know about what's going on in these clinics for so called "health care for women" and he said, "They don't care Kelly!!! They don't want to hear it!!!! They want to hear about if the Red's won. They don't care!" 

He was right. He then said that God has convicted me about this and I should pray for these babies...and I have so many times asked God, "God, I know I have this passion but what do I do about it? I've had this passion for YEARS- literally for years- and I don't know how to make a difference."

So until God reveals that to me all I can do is pray daily. But one more thing Jeff said that was so profound...

He said, "Kelly, think about it like this. If a woman could go into an abortion clinic at 20something weeks pregnant and willingly kill her baby, would you really want that baby to be born to her?!?! Think about that. Any woman that could go into an abortion clinic and kill their baby, are they a good person? Do good people kill their children? NO! They don't. I don't know of any good parent that would kill their child and I don't know of any bad person that would raise a righteous child. So isn't it better for this baby to be murdered and then fly into the arms of Jesus or to be born, be raised to be a drug  addict, be beaten, molested, or raised by someone that could be a nice, normal citizen but not know Jesus and still die and go to Hell for eternity? It is horrible and it is sad, but even more so than these babies being cruelly murdered and going to Heaven is if they were to live and go to Hell..."

It still hurt...the pain wasn't immediately absorbed...but this way I could hear God's still small voice...He said, "This is how I work it for good Kelly...see, the doctor's believe they have won as Satan pats their backs and tells them they've done the right thing...but I hold the keys to Death and Hell...and the children will forever only know ME. There is always a way I work evil for good..."

To God be the glory... and let us not live in fear...

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Amen and Amen.

Suffering...

In recent months of my own uncertainties and in praying over family members' pains and other friends who have suffered greatly in these recent weeks, I feel very compelled to write about suffering.

Honestly, as I look back on my life, I can't really say that I have suffered much at all. Always had food and clothes and a home. None of these were the greatest in comparison to some other people or even what I have for my children today, but nonetheless, I wasn't suffering. I had a mom and dad under one roof until I was almost 24. I had a mom that took us to church, a grandma that sang gospel songs as she cooked and because I didn't have any special "toys" nature was my playground and God was my best best friend. I did have a very hard life in junior high and high school but God intervened my freshman/sophomore year and I can't say that I suffered much after that. A little but not much. It was these years of suffering that God made himself real to me. And I will never forget it.

But, why write a blog on suffering when I don't feel that I have suffered much? 

Well, the answer first is that I am in the midst of a tiny storm...where I have asked God to hold the pieces of my heart together as it was breaking...and I thank Him for doing so.

The second answer is because some people close to me are experiencing things in their lives that are very hurtful, depressing, devastating, stressful, and exhausting. From a sister in law suffering from divorce and finds herself overwhelmed on a daily basis to a cousin who lost her first baby and is experiencing the emotions that come with tragic miscarriage...to a 1 year old nephew starved almost to death by his "parents" and now is in the care of my mom...from a family I don't know in Georgia that I have prayed for through mutual friends who have lost their mother (of 5 young kids!) and wife...all the way to some person that I don't know that is suffering and is reading this and hopefully finds comfort.

I'm writing this for myself and for you, whomever you may be!

Let's talk first about fretting. Because I think fretting starts the suffering...

When we read the Bible we see it says many times, somewhere around 365 times that is, to "fret not". A simple statement with great reward if we can only accomplish it!  But like everything else in the Bible, reading and understanding something is a whole lot easier than living it! Putting these verses into action is way harder than it is to repeat them to someone going through a struggle in life...it sounds good, but how good are you at leaning on this principle? We all as Christians struggle with this...we are, in fact, human!

I heard an evangelist give testimony of a time when he was "brushed up against by someone like sand paper... a fretful person". And he explained how one comment gritted him like sandpaper. It was hurtful! And it liked to steal his joy away....but he realized that we will always have fretful people among us. Psalm 37 talks about not fretting over the evil doer- we will always have them, too! This chapter also tells us that it is soon that they will be cut down like grass...so that tells me that it won't last forever. Sometimes we gotta wait till spring to cut the grass! But eventually we do! And in the grand scheme of things, in comparison to eternity, the time we suffer down here is nothing! 

This Psalm is so great because it tells us exactly what to do! To trust God, be patient, delight in Him and He will give us the desires of our heart and fret not- three times! God's really wanting us to get it through our heads that He is the One we take our cares and burdens to and cast them to Him! 

Which brings me to suffering. Or, rather, carrying your cross. 
I was just reading in my devotional yesterday (Resurrection Sunday!) about Jesus carrying the cross. Simon at one point was told to carry it the rest of the way. Some legends have it that Jesus still carried the front end, the heavier end, and Simon the lighter end, but either way, we can trust that Jesus is with us along the way!

Suffering was done on the cross. That's why things in this life are compared to carrying our "cross". Because we are always getting ready to go through a fiery furnace, in one currently, or just coming out of one. That's life. And carrying our cross and following Him is our path. It's the only way to get through trials and heartache. Suffering is a part of life. That's another reason why Heaven is so desired!

Our sufferings can be physical, spiritual or psychological. As in my examples above of just a few around me suffering different things, it can be from a cancer diagnosis, it can be the loss of a child, it can come in the form of child abuse and neglect, it can be a broken relationship, a spouse leaving for active duty in the miltary...whatever it is we can all relate through suffering. 

However, we have prayer. We have a God that can {and has!} healed wounds and gave back quality of life to people. He is a loving and compassionate God who knows what suffering is like and who wants to heal us. Either from physical ailments to heartaches and everything in between...

We know sometimes a person's burdens are not lifted from them. We don't necessarily understand why some are and some are not. Paul prayed three times for his thorn in the flesh to be removed. Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. But neither were spared their cross. This is part of the mystery and higher thoughts of God that we don't understand. But we can trust that God has a reason for it. 

Those of us who embrace their cross through the grace of God find themselves leaning and depending on him more and more each day. Again Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 that God's grace is sufficient and that our strength is made perfect in weakness therefore he rejoiced in infirmities etc because when he was weak, then was he strong.

That's so powerful. 

You know, in my situation with carrying a little boy that God has blessed me with, knowing he has a heart that isn't forming the way it should and will have to have open heart surgery as an infant if God doesn't intervene, not knowing how his little tiny heart will beat once he's out of the security of my womb, relying on my beating heart to sustain him...is fretful. But I'm not fretting because I know that God formed him. He knew him before I did. I am praying that His will be done. That I bring glory to Him. 

The Doctors are saying that he has a possibility of a chromosomal abnormality as well such as down syndrome. Still, my heart is calm. I have peace that baby Henry will be just fine. And if he's not "fine" according to our standards, he will still be fearfully and wonderfully made. He will still bring glory to God and he will still be my little boy...forever and always my perfect little boy. And I am leaning on God and trusting that no matter what, Henry will be exactly how God intended. I pray that if it's God's will to heal him mentally and physically that He do so, but not my will but thine be done. Amen. 

I love God. I love His loving ways. I love the fact that He has never nor will ever leave me.
When you realize that, you carry your cross a little differently. It's not forever, Friend. 

Carrying my cross...
and looking up and seeing Jesus right in front of me leading the way...

Kelly

Putting on yet another hat...Nutritionist!

I woke up this morning thinking about my husband and his job, time, schedules, responsibilities for this week, and prayer! Boy, with that list, you surely know I need it!  But I also woke up this morning really happy! So, it must have been a good nights sleep! ;) 

But in getting to what my title is all about, I also woke up thinking, what's for dinner? I don't have to tell you that as mom's, our family functions around food. My husband doesn't believe me until he's at home on a Saturday and exclaims, "why do these kids keep eating all day long?" Because..."f-o-o-d" is how you spell love. Kids are constantly growing. They're so energy bound all day that they need fuel at mealtimes and snacks in between. And kids feel cared for when Mommy makes them their special snack. It truly is how you spell love! And it doesn't change for boys as they become men, right? Isn't there a famous quote, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"?

The Proverbs 31 woman, I believe is the ideal woman. That is also why I believe she never existed. Maybe she's God's picture of how he wants us women to behave. There is no way that a woman could be that perfect, but perfection is what we're supposed to strive for. So, one thing "she" has taught me is to make meal plans on Sunday so I can get to the store to  buy what we need for dinner for the following week. Planning lunches for Monday's and snacks throughout the week. And not just any snacks, but healthy snacks!

My kids are dippers. So, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, red peppers, and celery are all things I keep on hand with ranch or peanut butter for them to dip in. It's cheaper than any other snack you can buy and it's so much better for them! I started them out very early always eating this stuff so they never thought they didn't like it! 

Another thing is having fun with food. That's what we LOVE in this house. Well, I do anyway. And so do my kids and that is why I made a HUGE burger for dinner with huge fries and huge cookies. That's why we made pizza for dinner and Charlie got to do the toppings! That's why I cook with them. Kids love to cook!!! They love to stir and pour and mix and dump and splatter. They love watching it rise or bake in the oven. So let them! Cook with them! Make food fun and your kids will enjoying it! 

I challenge you to write down what you feed your kids for 7 days. See where you're succeeding and where you can improve. They need good nutrition for stable blood sugar levels, for growth and development and for energy and brain function!

Love them through the food you provide for them!

Little Choices that Reap Big Blessings

 Two of my goals for this year were to live a life of purpose and to have no regrets. I am living a life of purpose through training my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. So that I will have no regrets in the ways that I trained them. 

So far I've learned about nurturing my own heart to the things of God before I can nurture my boys' hearts. How fitting that Charlie's Cubbie's verse for this week is "Love the Lord thy God with all they heart". And how fitting that this month is focused on Valentine's Day and parties and fun things- but we are going to make a Valentine for Jesus! Because we love Him so and what an easy opportunity to once again share Jesus with my sons.

I'm thinking and trying to come up with a creative craft for me to do about the word of God and putting it somewhere special in our house. Part of writing it on the doorposts of our heart. We concentrate on the gospel, we sing about Him, we pray, and talk about God at every opportunity!

I have known for a long time that Charlie and Wesley are two very different boys! Charlie wells up with tears of remorse at any given stern look and Wesley requires more strict approaches to discipline, again and again and again... part of training your children is knowing what way they are growing and going...to praise them just as much as you correct them. That is difficult and key!

I'm learning that I can't give up even though the going gets tough. I have to hang in there! And pray! And keep teaching and instructing, even if I feel like a drill Sargent sometimes, God is with me all along the way! He will give me the strength, wisdom, help and encouragement that I need in exactly the time I need it! And I'll pray! And pray! And smile all the while I'm remembering God's promises and His love for me. He's entrusted me with a very special assignment. And I need ought never forget to be a Mom after God's own heart!

Bless you Moms!!!
Let's love our babies and lead them to the Master!

Little Choices that Reap Big Blessings...

It has been a long super long time since I have consistently put anything on my blog about our life, family, goings on and such. But we have been busy!! And sick. But mostly busy! As I always say, "it's a good busy" meaning, things are good, just chaotic. I always try to keep a positive perspective about life. We have too many blessings to count to be bogged by down all the negatives!

But this is not what my blog is about! Not at all!

It's about being a Mom after God's own heart and making little choices daily that end with BIG results!

My last post was not about resolutions for the new year but rather is was about things I will not take into 2013. Things I can change in our lives for the better. And I intend, with only God's grace and help, to live up to this vow.

I'm reading a book entitled "A Mom after God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George.  If you haven't read it, you need to! It's so gooooood! Encouraging, uplifting, positive, loving...like you're talking with this lady in the living room. And it has truly given me the inspiration I need to live a life of a Godly parent and a thumbs up for all the things I've already been doing!

My boys are little- but they are sponges. I am embarrassed to say that I have heard Charlie say things I have said before...no, convicted. Not that I say curse words, because I don't, but just little ugly things. Like, jerk, stinkin', freakin'...ugh. Bearing my heart and soul here...it's unpleasant to type even! But this is fact, and I need to see how my words affect my children. Charlie heard me say those things!!!!! Do you know how awful I feel?!

So, with God's help, from here on out, I am only talking of good things- God's things.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 commands us to hide God's word in our hearts, Mom. To bind them on our doorposts if necessary- to hang them about our necks- to talk about God while we sit, lay down, walk in the way...every aspect of our lives must be focused on God and Him alone!

I do start the day off with coffee and my Bible but I admit I could do more. So I got out my beloved Charles Spurgeon devotional and this book I'm reading. I pray over the breakfast, I pray over lunch, pray over dinner, sing songs at bedtime and pray again. During the day I go over Charlie's Cubbie verses and sometimes get out our children's Bible and read it or play their children's CD and we sing along. I try to remember to ask Charlie what he learned in Sunday School and see if he remembers. I even read Proverbs out loud just so they can hear it, even if they don't understand it. I want God's Word to be something they've always known, heard and lived with!

I want them to know God. I want them to love God. I want both of my boys to learn about how wonderful our God is!!!

So, when we set the table I'm going to talk with them about how God will always provide for us and meet our needs. I'll talk about how God is preparing a table for us in Heaven to eat with Him someday!! Or if there's a rainbow in the sky I'll talk about the promises of God and how only God can create a rainbow, or snow, or animals! There is so much to teach them and I want them to see that they have a Mommy and a Daddy after GOD's heart!!! That we depend on our God to provide, keep our health, protection, and that we have a friend that sticks closer than a brother- an advocate for us, and that He loved us and died for us!

It is the calling of every parent to teach their children about God. It's a commandment. It's what we are to keep if we love God! Right? How important is that to you?

We have a million and one things to do in a day- there's so much to be mutli-tasked and crossed off the list- but most important- no most critical of all is to target our children's hearts. If we don't, we know who is!! Somewhere in the midst of all that stuff to do, we have to introduce our children to Jesus. You know, we can't save them. Only He can. We have to teach them every hour so that they will be strong and not sifted as wheat. So that one day, they can walk that isle, or tug on our shirt and say,"Mommy...Daddy...I don't want to go to Hell...I want to be saved..." and we can SHOUT with joyous victory and with tear filled eyes lead our precious babies to the thrown of the One who lived to die for them! And know that their names are forever written down, never to be erased and the enemy cannot take their soul. THAT'S what I long for in this life! If I never own a house, or have a million dollars or albums full of adventures of this world but all of my children are saved by God's sweet grace- I will die with my purpose fulfilled. And I will have no regrets.

Hey parent- let me remind you what the Bible compares our children to. Arrows in the hand of a mighty warrior. Arrows not to be kept in the bag but shot out with a specific target. We can't keep our children- they must fly on their own one day. Where is your target for them? Is it at the foot of the cross where they can first be saved and then build faithful, Godly lives of their own? Or is it at a basketball court, or a football field? School plays? Pep rallies? Is it at that Ivy League college or that scholarship? I'm not saying these goals or activities are bad, they're just not vital. They're not what God has for our children. It's what the world has. And you know what? It's got no eternal value. It's just wood. Hay. Stubble.

There is so much more to living a life focused on the Savior. How I love Him and how I want to please Him. I fail so many times. I am no where near where He wants me to be- but I'll not give up! I know that I will not faint in well doing and that God can give me the strength I need to do the things I need to do and also to teach my children the things of Him. And I'll pray for my children every day and give them back to Him.

And one more thing Moms, if you have a husband that is a believer, you better count yourself blessed beyond measure! He is a rare breed! Be sure to thank your husbands!! Ask your husband what's being done, not done and what could be done better. It's mainly our responsibility to handle the childcare and it's important to get feedback on how we're doing! If he gives you some negative criticism, great! You have something to work on that will one day be positive and a great improvement! Respond positively! He's trying to help you! Then pray and ask God for help. We have very important jobs Moms! Let's do it with our whole heart and follow after God!

Read Job 1:4-5 with your husband. I haven't got to do this yet but I plan to. Together we will make a covenant to pray for our boys and the child in my womb. For the glory of God!

May God give you the desire, strength and discipline to hang His word about your neck so that you can lovingly share Him with your children and live out Deuteronomy 6:6-9 and be a Mom after God's own heart!