Just Try ME!

I've been thinking lately of somethings I'd like god to do for me.  For my future.  For my sons.  For my husband.  For our future.

I've been thinking a lot lately of giving of our tithe, talents and treasures.  And what God expects of me.  He didn't give me talents to never use them.  He wouldn't have given me the ability to store up treasures in Heaven if I would never have the opportunity to enjoy them.  And He wouldn't have asked me to tithe, to   put the money HE has given me back in HIS house if He didn't intend on giving me the means to do it!

If you aren't trusting God with your finances right now, then I'd say you picked the worst time economically to not hold hands with God.  There are so many promises of God...do you really want to miss out on them?

God has done so much for me in my lifetime of 29 years.  He has blessed me in ways I never thought to ask, He has answered very specific prayers, and He has given me the desires of my heart- desires that only He knew.  How could I not have the faith that He could do those things today?  This fall?  This year?

So I've got some specific prayers that I'm going to try God about...I'm going to ask Him for something that only He can give.  I'm going to believe His word and trust His promises.  And I'm going to give Him all the glory when He does it...

And another thing, I'm NOT going to let the devil tell me that I don't need to give anymore.  Because see, he doesn't tell me that I can't or that I don't have the money, he just tells me that they'll get the money from someone else, that it's not my job to do everything or pay for everything and that I don't need to...

But the truth is, I DO need to.  If I want God to bless me, to shovel and scoop and pour blessings down so much that I cannot contain them, then you better believe I need to fist be the one to trust Him with what He has given me...You see, it's all His anyway...none of it is mine.  How can I not trust that if He gave it to me once He can give it to me again?  And even more the second time?

There's lies out there to believe.
If you want to.
If you let Satan win.

There's blessings to be had out there!
It is better to give than to receive.
If you trust Him.

I can't trust in my bank.
I can't trust in my Etrade account.
I can't trust in my own strength and knowledge.
But I can trust in my God and in His promises.

You know the ones.  The promises that say "if your child asks of you bread would you give him a stone?" or "if he asks a fish would you give him a serpent? If you being carnal know how to give good gifts then how much greater can God give you gifts?" (paraphrased from Luke 11:11, 13)

Or what about "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think. Ephesians 3:20"  

Back to the verse I first quotes, "Prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. Malachi 3:10" 

Go ahead. Try Him. This is the only place in the bible where God gives us this charge.
He created the universes.  I'm pretty sure He can handle it.

Tithe.  Talents.  Treasures.

So when you finally, actually, sacrificially give to someone...a missionary, a youth group, a church in need, a program at church, an elderly person/widow...look out for our big God to give back... and He won't be found lacking.

He will be debtor to NO ONE.

Great Expectations

 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord;

 in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, 

and will look up.

psalm 3:5

People expect things.  It's natural.  Husbands and wives expect their spouses to be faithful.  Some aren't.  People expect to be able to pay their bills.  Some lose their jobs.  Some people expect to live happily ever after.  But they become young widows(ers).

I expected to have a healthy baby boy.  I didn't.  

So much for great expectations... 

Some days are good.

Some days are OK.

Some days are bad.  

And the thing about the bad days is, I haven't been able to tell when it's coming.  Just somehow it hits me and I struggle to choke back the tears.  I hate that pain you get in your throat from fighting the tears so no one can tell your hurting. 

I've had people, out of their innocence, say to me, "He doesn't even look like he has Down syndrome! I don't care what they say, he doesn't have it! He looks perfectly fine!"  And they are sweet and mean no harm and only want to make me feel better.

Except it doesn't.

The only thing that could ever make me feel better is for God to say, "Ok Kelly! Test is over!  You passed.  He's normal now.  Good job!" 

And then I wake up and I go into his room and his rain coat is on the floor...and he's in his crib smiling and waiting for me to hold him tight...the little boy that always was...

But the reality is, it's never going to be over.  

Today I was trying to take Henry's 2 month pictures.  I had done a little photo shoot this morning and he was not happy for most of it.  When I had what I thought would be good enough I fed him and scrolled through facebook.  I was in a good mood.  And I decided to check out a friends pictures of her daughter at 2 months old.  She was propped in a bucket with her arm draped over the side...I had tried that with Henry but he could do it.  He couldn't hold his head up like she could.  :(  And my heart broke.  

It wasn't her fault.  She didn't make me sad.  The fact that I realized Henry is different, once again, made me sad.  Out.of.left.field.  Sadness.

Thankfully, Henry doesn't know there are expectations.  He's just a baby!

The other thing about expectations is that I CAN expect Henry to be happy, and learn, and run and play. I may not be able to expect this to be easy but I CAN expect that good will come of this and that God has a plan for all of this.  I CAN expect to have different experiences because of his Down syndrome- great experiences- that I would have never had the privilege of experiencing otherwise.  I'm looking forward to that when they come!

Trauma tends to break down your defenses...and you are left with a deeper dependence on God than you ever thought possible.  And that's when I have to realize and cling ever so tightly to the expectation that God has started a work in me and He will finish it.  He is growing me and strengthening me... and it hurts.  Remember those growing pains as a kid?  Boy do I ever!  Used to hurt me so badly I would cry and cry...and here I am again...growing in a different way.  Crying just the same...abba father...

 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or ,

 according to the power that worketh in us

ephesians 3:20

We may be traveling down a road we didn't ever plan on traveling.  The scenery is different.  It may take us to a different place.  But if we leave ourselves open to new expectations then that path can lead to adventure after adventure!  And it can be very, very cool indeed! 

The hardest part is knowing that I will never wake up to Henry being like Charlie and Wesley.... (give me a sec to cry...)

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It is sad... yes.  Feels a lot like hopeless, actually.  But I have to remember that when I am sad, God had intended this, that He wouldn't hurt me or Henry and that He has something really cool in store for us...

Yes the pain is there and oh my word!!!! Yes it comes out of left field sometimes...and I have to, wounded as I feel, put that reality, the grief, in its place and say "to God be the glory great things He has done..."

One of my favorite quotes comes from Joel..."let the weak say I am strong..."

I am strong in Him... 

First Round of Therapy for Henry...or Me?

So I didn't think about it at all until I talked to Jeff last night.
Here's a part of the conversation, the last bit between me and the developmental specialist yesterday:

Maggie: So when you lay in bed at night, what do you think about?
Me: Oh I look at Jeff and say, "seeyoutomorrow" and roll over and pass out. I'm to exhausted to think anymore!

Maggie: And if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
Me: Um, maybe to live in a different house in a different place.
Stevie (PT): You don't like your house? It's cute!
Me: I like my house, but I'd rather live in a ranch, I climb lots of stairs on a daily basis, and I'd like to have a big yard for the boys.

In telling this to Jeff he said, "They were probably looking for answers like,'I lay in bed and think about what it would be like if Henry didn't have Down syndrome' or 'I would change the fact that Henry didn't have Down syndrome or a heart defect' or something along those lines."

I stood there and said, "I didn't even think of that. Why didn't I think of that? Am I too selfish that I'd think more about a house and a yard than to give my son a normal life?"

Jeff said, "No, it's probably more that you understand that this is the way God made him and you're content with it. So content that it isn't even a problem to you. Their questions were psychological to see how you, Mommy, were dealing with Henry's issues. So they got to see that you're completely OK with it."

He must be right. I really don't mind his having Down syndrome. I wonder how Charlie and Wesley will deal with having a special needs brother when they're teens. I hope that they will not be embarrassed by him, and I don't think they will. I hope they never see him as defective, but special. He is uniquely designed.

All I know is, Henry is just like any other baby right now. Maybe it hasn't even hit me yet that he has it. Maybe I'm Ok because I don't know anything different yet, other than what it's like to spend hours at Children's hearing all the things that are wrong with my perfectly looking little baby. I don't know. Time will tell, I guess.

I guess I'm just nervous that I'm taking this so well because it hasn't fully hit me. I guess when all the other babies in the church nursery are sitting up and crawling and babbling and standing and cruising and playing, then I will really realize that I'm in Holland...and then I might get sad. OR- I might just really trust that God has a purpose for Him and I'll always be OK with my new life.  

I'm hopeful for the latter. If I cannot be content wherewith I am, then I am not wholly leaning on my Lord and He is not all that I need.

And He IS all I need.
Although, sometimes, I selfishly say inside,"Lord....you know I also need my babies...please keep them healthy and protect them..."

Just One Moore Day...just give me one more day...

Pain Like No Other...

Last night Jeff and I sat on the couch watching the 700 Club like usual. Catching up on religious news and other interesting facts you don't hear on secular news stations. But what we heard this time was so...abominable, so  horrifying, so disgusting...I ran out of the room speechless and despondent, shocked, and I felt heartbreak like I have never known...

What was so bad, you are asking. Well, this is the part where the disclaimer comes in...this is very gruesome what I am about to tell you. This is terrible, morbid and so very very heartbreaking. So turn away now if you don't want to hear it.

There were three young ladies talking about what they saw the doctor do at the abortion clinic they worked at in Houston, TX. They thought it was normal to kill a baby that was alive and completely out of the womb. They just thought that was his job. 

But what he did was not part of his job. One girl recounted that he would stick a sharp instrument in the baby's soft spot, or stab it in the chest and you could still watch it's belly rise and fall as it was taking it's final breaths...I'm getting chills and sick to my stomach just rehearsing this to you...

But that isn't the worst part. That isn't the part that made me leave the room.

The second girl said she saw him taking a 20something week baby out by it's feet. He stuck the claws in and squeezed so hard she saw the baby's toes separate in pain...

I left the room, Jeff put the boys to bed while I paced the living room holding Henry. I put Henry in his cradle and came down stairs. Jeff held me and when he did I lost it. I sobbed like it was my own child.

I cried so hard. It was like I saw the evil that I had been sheltered from in such plain view and the sight of it was so horrifying and scary that my soul trembled and longed for the Comforter to cradle me. I couldn't see my face but I could tell by the way my body was so wrenching from this news that it was the saddest face my face has ever made. My throat hurt from not being able to cry enough tears, my heart was more than broken into millions of pieces, my stomach turned and contracted and tightened and I just wanted to throw up, nausea doesn't come close. 

I wanted to tell Jeff, "Shake me by the shoulders, slap me, whatever you have to to make me believe this isn't MURDER! Do something to make me see it through different eyes so I don't have to feel this pain...So my heart can quit aching, so my bowels can stop feeling mutilated, so the pain of realizing we live in THIS kind of world can go away...make it stop, Jeff..."

Jeff just held me while my body forced violently to stop the agony it felt...

Why.

Why on earth would anyone do this?

How could someone be so evil?

Sin. Because sin is evil.

Truth is, Jesus even died for that abortion doctor. For all abortion doctors. For every murderer. For every Hitler. For every Manson. For every radical Muslim. For me. For you. For "good" people. For those murdered babies.

If they killed Jesus, who only healed and never ever hurt...then why wouldn't they kill an innocent baby?

I laid in bed for hours last night begging God to make it stop hurting. I heard a low airplane fly over and imagined it was a giant bomb that would kill us all so we could go to Heaven. That's how badly I wanted to escape this place. I then realized that we weren't going to Heaven that night and politely asked for sleep instead. My Comforter showed up and within minutes I was pain free.

When Jeff and I talked last night he made me understand this a little better.  It by no means took the pain of this new realization I had away, but it did give me something else to think about.

I told him  I wanted to put this on Facebook so everyone could read it and know about what's going on in these clinics for so called "health care for women" and he said, "They don't care Kelly!!! They don't want to hear it!!!! They want to hear about if the Red's won. They don't care!" 

He was right. He then said that God has convicted me about this and I should pray for these babies...and I have so many times asked God, "God, I know I have this passion but what do I do about it? I've had this passion for YEARS- literally for years- and I don't know how to make a difference."

So until God reveals that to me all I can do is pray daily. But one more thing Jeff said that was so profound...

He said, "Kelly, think about it like this. If a woman could go into an abortion clinic at 20something weeks pregnant and willingly kill her baby, would you really want that baby to be born to her?!?! Think about that. Any woman that could go into an abortion clinic and kill their baby, are they a good person? Do good people kill their children? NO! They don't. I don't know of any good parent that would kill their child and I don't know of any bad person that would raise a righteous child. So isn't it better for this baby to be murdered and then fly into the arms of Jesus or to be born, be raised to be a drug  addict, be beaten, molested, or raised by someone that could be a nice, normal citizen but not know Jesus and still die and go to Hell for eternity? It is horrible and it is sad, but even more so than these babies being cruelly murdered and going to Heaven is if they were to live and go to Hell..."

It still hurt...the pain wasn't immediately absorbed...but this way I could hear God's still small voice...He said, "This is how I work it for good Kelly...see, the doctor's believe they have won as Satan pats their backs and tells them they've done the right thing...but I hold the keys to Death and Hell...and the children will forever only know ME. There is always a way I work evil for good..."

To God be the glory... and let us not live in fear...

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Amen and Amen.