Just Try ME!

I've been thinking lately of somethings I'd like god to do for me.  For my future.  For my sons.  For my husband.  For our future.

I've been thinking a lot lately of giving of our tithe, talents and treasures.  And what God expects of me.  He didn't give me talents to never use them.  He wouldn't have given me the ability to store up treasures in Heaven if I would never have the opportunity to enjoy them.  And He wouldn't have asked me to tithe, to   put the money HE has given me back in HIS house if He didn't intend on giving me the means to do it!

If you aren't trusting God with your finances right now, then I'd say you picked the worst time economically to not hold hands with God.  There are so many promises of God...do you really want to miss out on them?

God has done so much for me in my lifetime of 29 years.  He has blessed me in ways I never thought to ask, He has answered very specific prayers, and He has given me the desires of my heart- desires that only He knew.  How could I not have the faith that He could do those things today?  This fall?  This year?

So I've got some specific prayers that I'm going to try God about...I'm going to ask Him for something that only He can give.  I'm going to believe His word and trust His promises.  And I'm going to give Him all the glory when He does it...

And another thing, I'm NOT going to let the devil tell me that I don't need to give anymore.  Because see, he doesn't tell me that I can't or that I don't have the money, he just tells me that they'll get the money from someone else, that it's not my job to do everything or pay for everything and that I don't need to...

But the truth is, I DO need to.  If I want God to bless me, to shovel and scoop and pour blessings down so much that I cannot contain them, then you better believe I need to fist be the one to trust Him with what He has given me...You see, it's all His anyway...none of it is mine.  How can I not trust that if He gave it to me once He can give it to me again?  And even more the second time?

There's lies out there to believe.
If you want to.
If you let Satan win.

There's blessings to be had out there!
It is better to give than to receive.
If you trust Him.

I can't trust in my bank.
I can't trust in my Etrade account.
I can't trust in my own strength and knowledge.
But I can trust in my God and in His promises.

You know the ones.  The promises that say "if your child asks of you bread would you give him a stone?" or "if he asks a fish would you give him a serpent? If you being carnal know how to give good gifts then how much greater can God give you gifts?" (paraphrased from Luke 11:11, 13)

Or what about "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think. Ephesians 3:20"  

Back to the verse I first quotes, "Prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. Malachi 3:10" 

Go ahead. Try Him. This is the only place in the bible where God gives us this charge.
He created the universes.  I'm pretty sure He can handle it.

Tithe.  Talents.  Treasures.

So when you finally, actually, sacrificially give to someone...a missionary, a youth group, a church in need, a program at church, an elderly person/widow...look out for our big God to give back... and He won't be found lacking.

He will be debtor to NO ONE.

Great Expectations

 My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O Lord;

 in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, 

and will look up.

psalm 3:5

People expect things.  It's natural.  Husbands and wives expect their spouses to be faithful.  Some aren't.  People expect to be able to pay their bills.  Some lose their jobs.  Some people expect to live happily ever after.  But they become young widows(ers).

I expected to have a healthy baby boy.  I didn't.  

So much for great expectations... 

Some days are good.

Some days are OK.

Some days are bad.  

And the thing about the bad days is, I haven't been able to tell when it's coming.  Just somehow it hits me and I struggle to choke back the tears.  I hate that pain you get in your throat from fighting the tears so no one can tell your hurting. 

I've had people, out of their innocence, say to me, "He doesn't even look like he has Down syndrome! I don't care what they say, he doesn't have it! He looks perfectly fine!"  And they are sweet and mean no harm and only want to make me feel better.

Except it doesn't.

The only thing that could ever make me feel better is for God to say, "Ok Kelly! Test is over!  You passed.  He's normal now.  Good job!" 

And then I wake up and I go into his room and his rain coat is on the floor...and he's in his crib smiling and waiting for me to hold him tight...the little boy that always was...

But the reality is, it's never going to be over.  

Today I was trying to take Henry's 2 month pictures.  I had done a little photo shoot this morning and he was not happy for most of it.  When I had what I thought would be good enough I fed him and scrolled through facebook.  I was in a good mood.  And I decided to check out a friends pictures of her daughter at 2 months old.  She was propped in a bucket with her arm draped over the side...I had tried that with Henry but he could do it.  He couldn't hold his head up like she could.  :(  And my heart broke.  

It wasn't her fault.  She didn't make me sad.  The fact that I realized Henry is different, once again, made me sad.  Out.of.left.field.  Sadness.

Thankfully, Henry doesn't know there are expectations.  He's just a baby!

The other thing about expectations is that I CAN expect Henry to be happy, and learn, and run and play. I may not be able to expect this to be easy but I CAN expect that good will come of this and that God has a plan for all of this.  I CAN expect to have different experiences because of his Down syndrome- great experiences- that I would have never had the privilege of experiencing otherwise.  I'm looking forward to that when they come!

Trauma tends to break down your defenses...and you are left with a deeper dependence on God than you ever thought possible.  And that's when I have to realize and cling ever so tightly to the expectation that God has started a work in me and He will finish it.  He is growing me and strengthening me... and it hurts.  Remember those growing pains as a kid?  Boy do I ever!  Used to hurt me so badly I would cry and cry...and here I am again...growing in a different way.  Crying just the same...abba father...

 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or ,

 according to the power that worketh in us

ephesians 3:20

We may be traveling down a road we didn't ever plan on traveling.  The scenery is different.  It may take us to a different place.  But if we leave ourselves open to new expectations then that path can lead to adventure after adventure!  And it can be very, very cool indeed! 

The hardest part is knowing that I will never wake up to Henry being like Charlie and Wesley.... (give me a sec to cry...)

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It is sad... yes.  Feels a lot like hopeless, actually.  But I have to remember that when I am sad, God had intended this, that He wouldn't hurt me or Henry and that He has something really cool in store for us...

Yes the pain is there and oh my word!!!! Yes it comes out of left field sometimes...and I have to, wounded as I feel, put that reality, the grief, in its place and say "to God be the glory great things He has done..."

One of my favorite quotes comes from Joel..."let the weak say I am strong..."

I am strong in Him... 

First Round of Therapy for Henry...or Me?

So I didn't think about it at all until I talked to Jeff last night.
Here's a part of the conversation, the last bit between me and the developmental specialist yesterday:

Maggie: So when you lay in bed at night, what do you think about?
Me: Oh I look at Jeff and say, "seeyoutomorrow" and roll over and pass out. I'm to exhausted to think anymore!

Maggie: And if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?
Me: Um, maybe to live in a different house in a different place.
Stevie (PT): You don't like your house? It's cute!
Me: I like my house, but I'd rather live in a ranch, I climb lots of stairs on a daily basis, and I'd like to have a big yard for the boys.

In telling this to Jeff he said, "They were probably looking for answers like,'I lay in bed and think about what it would be like if Henry didn't have Down syndrome' or 'I would change the fact that Henry didn't have Down syndrome or a heart defect' or something along those lines."

I stood there and said, "I didn't even think of that. Why didn't I think of that? Am I too selfish that I'd think more about a house and a yard than to give my son a normal life?"

Jeff said, "No, it's probably more that you understand that this is the way God made him and you're content with it. So content that it isn't even a problem to you. Their questions were psychological to see how you, Mommy, were dealing with Henry's issues. So they got to see that you're completely OK with it."

He must be right. I really don't mind his having Down syndrome. I wonder how Charlie and Wesley will deal with having a special needs brother when they're teens. I hope that they will not be embarrassed by him, and I don't think they will. I hope they never see him as defective, but special. He is uniquely designed.

All I know is, Henry is just like any other baby right now. Maybe it hasn't even hit me yet that he has it. Maybe I'm Ok because I don't know anything different yet, other than what it's like to spend hours at Children's hearing all the things that are wrong with my perfectly looking little baby. I don't know. Time will tell, I guess.

I guess I'm just nervous that I'm taking this so well because it hasn't fully hit me. I guess when all the other babies in the church nursery are sitting up and crawling and babbling and standing and cruising and playing, then I will really realize that I'm in Holland...and then I might get sad. OR- I might just really trust that God has a purpose for Him and I'll always be OK with my new life.  

I'm hopeful for the latter. If I cannot be content wherewith I am, then I am not wholly leaning on my Lord and He is not all that I need.

And He IS all I need.
Although, sometimes, I selfishly say inside,"Lord....you know I also need my babies...please keep them healthy and protect them..."

Just One Moore Day...just give me one more day...

Pain Like No Other...

Last night Jeff and I sat on the couch watching the 700 Club like usual. Catching up on religious news and other interesting facts you don't hear on secular news stations. But what we heard this time was so...abominable, so  horrifying, so disgusting...I ran out of the room speechless and despondent, shocked, and I felt heartbreak like I have never known...

What was so bad, you are asking. Well, this is the part where the disclaimer comes in...this is very gruesome what I am about to tell you. This is terrible, morbid and so very very heartbreaking. So turn away now if you don't want to hear it.

There were three young ladies talking about what they saw the doctor do at the abortion clinic they worked at in Houston, TX. They thought it was normal to kill a baby that was alive and completely out of the womb. They just thought that was his job. 

But what he did was not part of his job. One girl recounted that he would stick a sharp instrument in the baby's soft spot, or stab it in the chest and you could still watch it's belly rise and fall as it was taking it's final breaths...I'm getting chills and sick to my stomach just rehearsing this to you...

But that isn't the worst part. That isn't the part that made me leave the room.

The second girl said she saw him taking a 20something week baby out by it's feet. He stuck the claws in and squeezed so hard she saw the baby's toes separate in pain...

I left the room, Jeff put the boys to bed while I paced the living room holding Henry. I put Henry in his cradle and came down stairs. Jeff held me and when he did I lost it. I sobbed like it was my own child.

I cried so hard. It was like I saw the evil that I had been sheltered from in such plain view and the sight of it was so horrifying and scary that my soul trembled and longed for the Comforter to cradle me. I couldn't see my face but I could tell by the way my body was so wrenching from this news that it was the saddest face my face has ever made. My throat hurt from not being able to cry enough tears, my heart was more than broken into millions of pieces, my stomach turned and contracted and tightened and I just wanted to throw up, nausea doesn't come close. 

I wanted to tell Jeff, "Shake me by the shoulders, slap me, whatever you have to to make me believe this isn't MURDER! Do something to make me see it through different eyes so I don't have to feel this pain...So my heart can quit aching, so my bowels can stop feeling mutilated, so the pain of realizing we live in THIS kind of world can go away...make it stop, Jeff..."

Jeff just held me while my body forced violently to stop the agony it felt...

Why.

Why on earth would anyone do this?

How could someone be so evil?

Sin. Because sin is evil.

Truth is, Jesus even died for that abortion doctor. For all abortion doctors. For every murderer. For every Hitler. For every Manson. For every radical Muslim. For me. For you. For "good" people. For those murdered babies.

If they killed Jesus, who only healed and never ever hurt...then why wouldn't they kill an innocent baby?

I laid in bed for hours last night begging God to make it stop hurting. I heard a low airplane fly over and imagined it was a giant bomb that would kill us all so we could go to Heaven. That's how badly I wanted to escape this place. I then realized that we weren't going to Heaven that night and politely asked for sleep instead. My Comforter showed up and within minutes I was pain free.

When Jeff and I talked last night he made me understand this a little better.  It by no means took the pain of this new realization I had away, but it did give me something else to think about.

I told him  I wanted to put this on Facebook so everyone could read it and know about what's going on in these clinics for so called "health care for women" and he said, "They don't care Kelly!!! They don't want to hear it!!!! They want to hear about if the Red's won. They don't care!" 

He was right. He then said that God has convicted me about this and I should pray for these babies...and I have so many times asked God, "God, I know I have this passion but what do I do about it? I've had this passion for YEARS- literally for years- and I don't know how to make a difference."

So until God reveals that to me all I can do is pray daily. But one more thing Jeff said that was so profound...

He said, "Kelly, think about it like this. If a woman could go into an abortion clinic at 20something weeks pregnant and willingly kill her baby, would you really want that baby to be born to her?!?! Think about that. Any woman that could go into an abortion clinic and kill their baby, are they a good person? Do good people kill their children? NO! They don't. I don't know of any good parent that would kill their child and I don't know of any bad person that would raise a righteous child. So isn't it better for this baby to be murdered and then fly into the arms of Jesus or to be born, be raised to be a drug  addict, be beaten, molested, or raised by someone that could be a nice, normal citizen but not know Jesus and still die and go to Hell for eternity? It is horrible and it is sad, but even more so than these babies being cruelly murdered and going to Heaven is if they were to live and go to Hell..."

It still hurt...the pain wasn't immediately absorbed...but this way I could hear God's still small voice...He said, "This is how I work it for good Kelly...see, the doctor's believe they have won as Satan pats their backs and tells them they've done the right thing...but I hold the keys to Death and Hell...and the children will forever only know ME. There is always a way I work evil for good..."

To God be the glory... and let us not live in fear...

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Amen and Amen.

Suffering...

In recent months of my own uncertainties and in praying over family members' pains and other friends who have suffered greatly in these recent weeks, I feel very compelled to write about suffering.

Honestly, as I look back on my life, I can't really say that I have suffered much at all. Always had food and clothes and a home. None of these were the greatest in comparison to some other people or even what I have for my children today, but nonetheless, I wasn't suffering. I had a mom and dad under one roof until I was almost 24. I had a mom that took us to church, a grandma that sang gospel songs as she cooked and because I didn't have any special "toys" nature was my playground and God was my best best friend. I did have a very hard life in junior high and high school but God intervened my freshman/sophomore year and I can't say that I suffered much after that. A little but not much. It was these years of suffering that God made himself real to me. And I will never forget it.

But, why write a blog on suffering when I don't feel that I have suffered much? 

Well, the answer first is that I am in the midst of a tiny storm...where I have asked God to hold the pieces of my heart together as it was breaking...and I thank Him for doing so.

The second answer is because some people close to me are experiencing things in their lives that are very hurtful, depressing, devastating, stressful, and exhausting. From a sister in law suffering from divorce and finds herself overwhelmed on a daily basis to a cousin who lost her first baby and is experiencing the emotions that come with tragic miscarriage...to a 1 year old nephew starved almost to death by his "parents" and now is in the care of my mom...from a family I don't know in Georgia that I have prayed for through mutual friends who have lost their mother (of 5 young kids!) and wife...all the way to some person that I don't know that is suffering and is reading this and hopefully finds comfort.

I'm writing this for myself and for you, whomever you may be!

Let's talk first about fretting. Because I think fretting starts the suffering...

When we read the Bible we see it says many times, somewhere around 365 times that is, to "fret not". A simple statement with great reward if we can only accomplish it!  But like everything else in the Bible, reading and understanding something is a whole lot easier than living it! Putting these verses into action is way harder than it is to repeat them to someone going through a struggle in life...it sounds good, but how good are you at leaning on this principle? We all as Christians struggle with this...we are, in fact, human!

I heard an evangelist give testimony of a time when he was "brushed up against by someone like sand paper... a fretful person". And he explained how one comment gritted him like sandpaper. It was hurtful! And it liked to steal his joy away....but he realized that we will always have fretful people among us. Psalm 37 talks about not fretting over the evil doer- we will always have them, too! This chapter also tells us that it is soon that they will be cut down like grass...so that tells me that it won't last forever. Sometimes we gotta wait till spring to cut the grass! But eventually we do! And in the grand scheme of things, in comparison to eternity, the time we suffer down here is nothing! 

This Psalm is so great because it tells us exactly what to do! To trust God, be patient, delight in Him and He will give us the desires of our heart and fret not- three times! God's really wanting us to get it through our heads that He is the One we take our cares and burdens to and cast them to Him! 

Which brings me to suffering. Or, rather, carrying your cross. 
I was just reading in my devotional yesterday (Resurrection Sunday!) about Jesus carrying the cross. Simon at one point was told to carry it the rest of the way. Some legends have it that Jesus still carried the front end, the heavier end, and Simon the lighter end, but either way, we can trust that Jesus is with us along the way!

Suffering was done on the cross. That's why things in this life are compared to carrying our "cross". Because we are always getting ready to go through a fiery furnace, in one currently, or just coming out of one. That's life. And carrying our cross and following Him is our path. It's the only way to get through trials and heartache. Suffering is a part of life. That's another reason why Heaven is so desired!

Our sufferings can be physical, spiritual or psychological. As in my examples above of just a few around me suffering different things, it can be from a cancer diagnosis, it can be the loss of a child, it can come in the form of child abuse and neglect, it can be a broken relationship, a spouse leaving for active duty in the miltary...whatever it is we can all relate through suffering. 

However, we have prayer. We have a God that can {and has!} healed wounds and gave back quality of life to people. He is a loving and compassionate God who knows what suffering is like and who wants to heal us. Either from physical ailments to heartaches and everything in between...

We know sometimes a person's burdens are not lifted from them. We don't necessarily understand why some are and some are not. Paul prayed three times for his thorn in the flesh to be removed. Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. But neither were spared their cross. This is part of the mystery and higher thoughts of God that we don't understand. But we can trust that God has a reason for it. 

Those of us who embrace their cross through the grace of God find themselves leaning and depending on him more and more each day. Again Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 that God's grace is sufficient and that our strength is made perfect in weakness therefore he rejoiced in infirmities etc because when he was weak, then was he strong.

That's so powerful. 

You know, in my situation with carrying a little boy that God has blessed me with, knowing he has a heart that isn't forming the way it should and will have to have open heart surgery as an infant if God doesn't intervene, not knowing how his little tiny heart will beat once he's out of the security of my womb, relying on my beating heart to sustain him...is fretful. But I'm not fretting because I know that God formed him. He knew him before I did. I am praying that His will be done. That I bring glory to Him. 

The Doctors are saying that he has a possibility of a chromosomal abnormality as well such as down syndrome. Still, my heart is calm. I have peace that baby Henry will be just fine. And if he's not "fine" according to our standards, he will still be fearfully and wonderfully made. He will still bring glory to God and he will still be my little boy...forever and always my perfect little boy. And I am leaning on God and trusting that no matter what, Henry will be exactly how God intended. I pray that if it's God's will to heal him mentally and physically that He do so, but not my will but thine be done. Amen. 

I love God. I love His loving ways. I love the fact that He has never nor will ever leave me.
When you realize that, you carry your cross a little differently. It's not forever, Friend. 

Carrying my cross...
and looking up and seeing Jesus right in front of me leading the way...

Kelly

Putting on yet another hat...Nutritionist!

I woke up this morning thinking about my husband and his job, time, schedules, responsibilities for this week, and prayer! Boy, with that list, you surely know I need it!  But I also woke up this morning really happy! So, it must have been a good nights sleep! ;) 

But in getting to what my title is all about, I also woke up thinking, what's for dinner? I don't have to tell you that as mom's, our family functions around food. My husband doesn't believe me until he's at home on a Saturday and exclaims, "why do these kids keep eating all day long?" Because..."f-o-o-d" is how you spell love. Kids are constantly growing. They're so energy bound all day that they need fuel at mealtimes and snacks in between. And kids feel cared for when Mommy makes them their special snack. It truly is how you spell love! And it doesn't change for boys as they become men, right? Isn't there a famous quote, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"?

The Proverbs 31 woman, I believe is the ideal woman. That is also why I believe she never existed. Maybe she's God's picture of how he wants us women to behave. There is no way that a woman could be that perfect, but perfection is what we're supposed to strive for. So, one thing "she" has taught me is to make meal plans on Sunday so I can get to the store to  buy what we need for dinner for the following week. Planning lunches for Monday's and snacks throughout the week. And not just any snacks, but healthy snacks!

My kids are dippers. So, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, red peppers, and celery are all things I keep on hand with ranch or peanut butter for them to dip in. It's cheaper than any other snack you can buy and it's so much better for them! I started them out very early always eating this stuff so they never thought they didn't like it! 

Another thing is having fun with food. That's what we LOVE in this house. Well, I do anyway. And so do my kids and that is why I made a HUGE burger for dinner with huge fries and huge cookies. That's why we made pizza for dinner and Charlie got to do the toppings! That's why I cook with them. Kids love to cook!!! They love to stir and pour and mix and dump and splatter. They love watching it rise or bake in the oven. So let them! Cook with them! Make food fun and your kids will enjoying it! 

I challenge you to write down what you feed your kids for 7 days. See where you're succeeding and where you can improve. They need good nutrition for stable blood sugar levels, for growth and development and for energy and brain function!

Love them through the food you provide for them!

Little Choices that Reap Big Blessings

 Two of my goals for this year were to live a life of purpose and to have no regrets. I am living a life of purpose through training my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. So that I will have no regrets in the ways that I trained them. 

So far I've learned about nurturing my own heart to the things of God before I can nurture my boys' hearts. How fitting that Charlie's Cubbie's verse for this week is "Love the Lord thy God with all they heart". And how fitting that this month is focused on Valentine's Day and parties and fun things- but we are going to make a Valentine for Jesus! Because we love Him so and what an easy opportunity to once again share Jesus with my sons.

I'm thinking and trying to come up with a creative craft for me to do about the word of God and putting it somewhere special in our house. Part of writing it on the doorposts of our heart. We concentrate on the gospel, we sing about Him, we pray, and talk about God at every opportunity!

I have known for a long time that Charlie and Wesley are two very different boys! Charlie wells up with tears of remorse at any given stern look and Wesley requires more strict approaches to discipline, again and again and again... part of training your children is knowing what way they are growing and going...to praise them just as much as you correct them. That is difficult and key!

I'm learning that I can't give up even though the going gets tough. I have to hang in there! And pray! And keep teaching and instructing, even if I feel like a drill Sargent sometimes, God is with me all along the way! He will give me the strength, wisdom, help and encouragement that I need in exactly the time I need it! And I'll pray! And pray! And smile all the while I'm remembering God's promises and His love for me. He's entrusted me with a very special assignment. And I need ought never forget to be a Mom after God's own heart!

Bless you Moms!!!
Let's love our babies and lead them to the Master!